Resident Evil: Retribution Review
Awesomely horrible.
I am in fact a fan of the whole Resident Evil series. I played the games years ago, and enjoy the movies for the pure brain candy that they are. They serve purely as a vehicle to give Mila Jovovich a chance to slow motion kick the hell out of zombies, mutants, and Umbrella Corporation employees (Umbrella logo shirt from the Zombie T Shirt category) and in that narrow category this one is dead on.
That being said, they are definitely the film equivalent of a Caesars salad made of lead paint chips, steadily eroding the average cinema IQ of the movie going audience. The thing to remember is the movies view exactly like watching someone play the Resident Evil video games, and Capcom is not well know for crafting amazing (or even coherent) stories in their video games as well.
This is the point in any discussion of the relative cinema merits of a RE film that someone has to stand up and say “What the hell were you expecting? It’s Resident Evil!” This is an extremely valid point and one I wont belabor. If you go to an RE film expecting anything worthwhile you should dedicate your life to finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, as I guarantee you will have more chance of success.
Resident Evil: Retribution is a particularly harsh example of great action and special effect glued to a script that would bring shame to the writers of 80’s porn movies. The story seems embarrassed to show itself and for good reason. It peaks around the corner of an action scene timorously, squeaks out a few lines of expository dialog, and then hides in the closet weeping quietly while Alice and her crew rush to the next set piece for slow motion action mayhem. Keeping in line with the current ugly trend in movie making there is nothing really original here at all. The film could be called Resident Evil: Regurgitation as every villain, monster, and supporting hero has been vomited up from past movies including the Red Queen and Rain from the first film, as well as pretty much all of Alice’s past boyfriends, Jill Valentine, and assassin Ada Wong.
The story actually defies description. I was awake and alert and I honestly can’t tell you what the hell was going on. Back in November I wrote a post about the Umbrella Corporation and what the hell their deal was, and never were my points more driven home. How exactly does destroying the human race and turning them all into zombies or biological monsters generate profit? I’ve also never seen a company more in love with it’s own logo. Every door, gun, knife, vehicle, pencil, and pot holder in the movie has an Umbrella logo on it. I am going to have to remember that trick when my company is on its way to world domination (I think I need a cool logo first).
Anyway, Alice (Mila Jovovich-the whole RE series, the Fifth Element, the Three Musketeers) and starts off with a reverse action scene on a cargo ship from the last movie that is really, really freaking cool. Unfortunately that sequence has nothing to do with the rest of the film and vanishes into the nether. Alice wakes up almost naked on a giant Umbrella logo (by the way, I know this was supposed to hearken back to the first film but the garment they cooked up to almost but not quite show her naked made the thermal wraps she wore in the Fifth Element actually look functional. Basically two square towels front and back held on with Scotch tape) and is tortured and interrogated for no apparent reason by Jill Valentine, who is under control of a mechanical spider. She gets busted out by Luthor West (Boris Kodjoe) with help from Ada Wong (Bingbing Li). There was some weird sequence of Alice living as a suburban housewife who’s community gets overrun with zombies and she has to escape with her hearing impaired daughter.
The story goes in all kinds of weird directions. Rain (Michelle Rodriguez) shows up both as another suburban housewife and later as a mercenary out to kill Alice. West sends in an assault team comprised of a bunch of other old characters. There is something about Alice having the key to human survival and they have to break her out of the Umbrella base, which is an abandoned Russian sub base except there are still some nuclear subs around. Jill and Rain are after them, along with a legion of zombie soldiers and massive mutants. They move from set piece to set piece (literally. The base has reproductions of Tokyo, Moscow, etc and they have to fight through each one). There is a big fight at the end, and eventually Alice escapes with her daughter into the prelude to the next sequel.
The stars. If you like brainless action and hot women in skin tight S&M outfits this movie will work for you. Two stars. The CGI and filming were really, really good. One star. The fight choreography was brilliant and the complete opposite of the quick cut action that films have been using lately to avoid having to find actors who can actually fight. One star. All the monsters were gross and cool. One star. While I am of course a big Mila Jovovich fan I am actually giving a star for Bingbing Li. Something about her with a gun strapped to her bare upper thigh exposed by the midriff slit in her hot red dress did things for me. I can’t quite figure out what exactly but will think about it. The only problem I would have dating her would be saying her name and not bursting into laughter (insensitive as hell, I know). One star. A movie that delivers exactly what the specific audience wants. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. If movie stories were babies, this one would not even qualify as afterbirth. Two black holes. This film borrowed so heavily from the previous movies that it’s debt must rival the national one. One black hole. In addition to being bad, the story left me really confused at points. No one had a motivation they could articulate to do anything, leaving me without any kind of reason to even try to understand. One black hole. For a zombie movie I found this film really lacking in zombies. One black hole. The action, while good, bordered on the ridiculous at times. It has always been pretty apparent that Alice is unbeatable, which tends to drain the tension from the scene. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of one star. Should you see it? There really is only one reason to see this film, and that is if you are a fan of Resident Evil and have seen all the others previous to it. If so you will enjoy the hell out of it. The action is exactly what you want. If you have not seen any of them or like to understand what the hell is going on don’t bother. Date movie? Hell no. Bathroom break? A bizarre side effect of having no real story in this movie is that none of the scenes are critical, but all of them are exciting and fun. If you are enjoying the film I would say hold it for 95 minutes and if you are not go any time you like.
Thanks for reading. More movies out this weekend, so look for something else soon. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post any comment about this movie or my review here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
