Robocop Review
It might be “a” Robocop movie but it’s not “my” Robocop movie.
Robocop Image courtesy of the Robocop Official Site.
OK, this film wasn’t the Hoovermatic suckfest I expected it to be. It was well executed, had a story, the action was fun and exciting, and you managed to sort of care about the main character. These are good things. The problem is twofold; first off, it really isn’t any better than the first Robocop and in many ways was just not as good and secondly the political message was forced down our throat with all the subtlety of an appendectomy performed with a Sawsall.
The original Robocop was kind of brilliant for 1987. It had wit, sarcasm, and poked fun at almost all of American culture in a way that made us laugh. Robocop moved and acted as we would expect an all steel man to move; slow and clunky but with the inevitable force of a molasses tsunami. He was nigh indestructible (as long as no one thought of the brilliant plan I like to call “Shoot him in the mouth”), had a very cool gun that was holstered in his thigh, and was effectively a machine that we got to know as a person, not the other way around. He also had some brilliant super polite dialog as he was kicking ass. My favorite Robocop line will always be “Come quietly or there will be…trouble.” Little things like when telling Dick Jones what crime he is being arrested for the penal code appears on Robocop’s monitor. For the level of special effects they had (i.e. no CGI) the movie was amazing.
Much less so here. Instead of being an unlucky cop transferred into the worst precinct in Detroit and getting killed due to lack of police resources he is now a veteran detective who gets blown up by a bad guy in a dopey conspiracy. Instead of being a corpse shanghaied into OCP’s clutches he wakes up as Robocop after his wife signed him over and he has full access to his life before. Much of Robocops trials in regaining his humanity are lost here. Now he moves and jumps like Spider Man because…well why would we want to watch a movie about a walking tank when we can show the world how talented our CGI department is?
Even the environment is lessened. In the first film it seems like OCP is a massive consumer conglomerate running most of America. There are hilarious commercials for bizarre products, the implication that they effectively run the military, and the grim idea that all of American morals and culture have fallen to the wayside (“I’d buy that for a dollar!”).
Now it’s just another company (called OmniCorp. The name change really puzzles me. Were they actively trying to be less cool that the first movie? They referenced Omni Consumer Products at the end of the film but too little too late IMO) trying to sell products. There is some bizarre conspiracy involving changing the perception of Americans with regards to the use of drones, and nothing says excitement like a movie about a marketing campaign. There was none of the cool flair behind the evil powers pulling the strings.
Then there’s the blatant political agenda. It’s clear that when the studio opted to remake Robocop they spared no expense and hired the best guy for the job: some dude no one ever heard of. Jose Padilha is a Brazilian director known for such classics as Elite Squad and Elite Squad: the Enemy Within so it’s obvious why Sony fought so hard to bring him into the project. What they didn’t know was that Jose seems to have an engorged erection about one thing and that’s the evils of drones. He couldn’t have forced his message onto the audience harder if he had burned the words “Drones Suck” into our retinas with lasers and then spent the entire movie poking us all in the side and saying things like “Do you see what I mean about drones? Do you get the message? What do you think about drones? Let’s watch ten minutes of my movie with my laser message superimposed over every scene and then you can tell me what you think about drones again. Have you ever thought about what would happen if a drone accidentally killed you or some children? Did I mention that drones are bad?”
Image courtesy of the Robocop Official Site.
The sad part is honestly I don’t think anyone in America gives a crap about drones. Sure, it’s being debated but no one really thinks the military is going to stop using them. No one has yet suggested that we replace cops with robots even if that were possible. It’s like if I wanted to argue with you about the evils of humans marrying dolphins. Sure, I suppose it’s possible and definitely wrong, but is it really worth hinging your whole movie on? Furthermore, fans of Robocop tend to be fans of Science Fiction and honestly I believe most of us think anything remotely robotic is pretty cool.
As an aside they also hired two writers who have written absolutely nothing of note, unless Starship Troopers and every dumb Robocop made-for-TV project ever count (I actually think Starship Troopers was a crap movie. Where the hell were the power suits?). $120 million budget and one of the writers has this movie listed as his only credit. Sigh.
Finally there is the gigantic elephant in the room: PG-13. I felt my first real qualm about this film when I was watching a trailer and they said in a loud, imposing voice like a missive from God “50,000 volt stun gun!”. Was that supposed to be a selling point for this film? The first film was a masterpiece of making future Detroit into the dystopia all of America knows it is headed to: drugs, guns, shooting people, hookers, blowing people up, more guns, more drugs, more shooting people, and a guy being dissolved alive in a giant vat of toxic waste. The final fight scene where Clarance is beating Robocop to death with a steel bar after shooting his female cop partner in the chest is everything this movie is supposed to be about. I will give the director credit in that he fought hard for an R rating but the studio forced the PG-13 after he went grossly over budget. I will say it was as close to an R rating as I have seen a PG-13 film go, but after a while the cleanliness of every scene and the safe, non-threatening way everything dies really sucks the fun out of the action.
The story. In spite of massive support from the O’Reilly show (I’m sorry, Novak Report) starring Pat Novak (Samuel L Jackson-Pulp Fiction, the Incredibles, Django Unchained) OmniCorp (just typing that bugs me) can’t seem to find the support to put drone cops on the street in USA. CEO Raymond Kellers (Michael Keaton-Batman, Speechless, Multiplicity) needs find a way to sway popular opinion in his direction and comes up with the idea of half robot, half cop. Meanwhile Detective Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman-the Killing, Safe House, Easy Money) is on the trail of gun runner Anton Vallon (Patrick Garrow-Childstar, 16 Blocks, Blindness). He and his partner Jack Lewis (Michael K. Williams-the Road, Snitch, Gone Baby Gone) fail to make the bust and suspect Anton has police help. Anton opts to kill Alex and blows him up in front of his wife and kid (Abbie Cornish-Sucker Punch, Limitless, Bright Star and John Paul Ruttan-This Means War, the Two Mr. Kissels, Defendor (<–awesome movie BTW)).
So Raymond convinces Clara to sign over Alex and with the help of Dr. Dennett Norton (Gary Oldman-the Fifth Element, the Professional, Lawless) plug Alex into Robocop. He freaks out upon waking (for whatever reason he hates the idea of being made super strong, fast, and nearly indestructible. No pleasing some people). He opts to play ball but goes through an extensive testing and evaluation period. The guy who programed the drones Rick Mattox (Jackie Earle Haley-Shutter Island, Watchmen, Lincoln) hates Robocop and wants him to fail. In order to get him to pass Norton reprograms Alex, effectively taking away his free will.
Alex goes back to Detroit and is reunited with his family. The next morning in order to have him not have his emotions cause the his computer malfunction (?) Nortan has to crank him into super computer guy. He goes out and starts arresting people. Eventually he is reminded of his humanity and opts to solve his own attempted murder. Naturally he is betrayed by OmniCorp and has to fight to save his life. Things get blown up, people get shot, and we are all reminded how evil drones are.
The stars.
The CGI was pretty cool actually. Lots of drones, lots of action. One star. 
Our old friend the ED-209 makes a welcome and extended appearance without being tweaked too much (ED-209 image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). They did lame it up a little by calling the humanoid robots ED-208, like OmniCorp designed a man shaped drone and then the very next robot in the series was a giant preying mantis looking thing but whatever. One star. I have to say I love the cast. I like Michael Keaton a lot and thought Joel Kinneman was pretty good. Samuel Jackson is a welcome sight in any movie where he does not play a Jedi. One star. Story wasn’t horrible. Not as cool as the first one but still decent. One star. While not as good, cool, or well written as the first one it was at least decent. I hesitate to call it a fitting tribute but at least it didn’t insult the original. One star. The fight scene at towards the end between Robocop and a bunch of ED-209s was particularly entertaining. One star. In general fun and entertaining in a bland, safe way. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes.
There are two gigantic flies in this otherwise blandly inoffensive soup and that is PG-13 rating and the “Drones is bad” political message. I can’t decide which one bugged me more (haw!). Two stars. Is it fair to compare this film to the original? Damn straight it is, and in comparison this film is not as fun, funny, interesting, or timeless by a long shot. One black hole. While the story didn’t suck if you really look into it there are a lot of weaknesses, like how does a corrupt cop think stealing guns from an evidence locker and selling them on the street is even remotely a good idea? How about you drop this PG-13 nonsense and go back to drugs, the real issue that makes sense to we the audience. One black hole. The having Alex start off human instead of being a bad ass robot really robbed his redemption of oomph. Instead of clawing back to being human he just sort of went into a walking coma for a while. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A total of two stars. Meh. If there were no 1987 Robocop and this movie came out I would probably have enjoyed it more. It still was kind of bland. If for some idiotic reason you never saw the original odds are you suck but would probably enjoy this one quite well. For fans of the original I think you need to see it but just remember that it is not your Robocop. I’d say it’s worth watching. Date movie? Probably not. More of a dudes film. Bathroom break? Most of the meetings between Raymond and his marketing staff are pretty disposable. Honestly any scene that doesn’t have Robocop in it could be missed with impunity.
Thanks for reading. Looks like Hell Week is starting for me, as I have nothing but Winters Tale, Endless Love, and About Last Night to watch. Each of them looks like a different slice of the pain pie for a macho dude such as myself. I hope you readers are grateful for the sacrifices I make for you (especially any hot single female ones, if you know what I mean). I’m in Las Vegas at a trade show for a most of this week but will try to sneak away and catch a flick. I’ll see Winters Tale tonight. I hope it doesn’t cause my penis to fall off. Look for that review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments about this film and my review are welcome and can be left here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
