Girl Rising Movie Review
An important lesson is learned about always watching a trailer before seeing a film.
Not to say this film was bad. Just that I walked in expecting to see a chick flick with lots of people coming to terms with stuff and instead got a documentary designed to make me feel guilty for living in a 1st world country and for being a man.
As an extremely regular movie goer I have memberships to pretty much every theater reward program out there. Typically this gets me cheap popcorn and the occasional free movie ticket but a couple weeks ago it spat out a free pass to see this movie. I am if nothing else cheap, and giving me a free pass to a new screening is akin to waving the red flag in front of the bull (although I will admit on the rare occasion that I see a film for free or early I tend to start of more kindly disposed to the film (to any Hollywood marketing firms out there that was a less than subtle hint)).
Girl Rising is a documentary about the importance of educating girls and young women in third world hell holes. As a marketing tool I will have to say it is shockingly effective as I am now an advocate for this. No joke I am going to try to scrape together a few ducats and send it to the charity behind this thing (and if you knew how I live you would understand what that means. My life savings is in t-shirts right now and my business is not exactly capable of doing more that buying me the occassional quesadilla from Burrito Ole’.) Showing real people in real situations is always more impactful than all the fake tears and stuntmen Hollywood can through at us, and when those real people are cute little girls from across the globe it will pull at your heartstrings with monster truck force.
During the course of this film I felt a wide gamut of emotions. I felt fear for a couple of the girls who were honestly in danger, rage and helplessness in the face of others who were raped or sold (if you don’t feel an urge to punch the first six men you come across after listening to a 12 year old Egyptian girl talk about being raped and then married off a year later you are not human. Feel free to leave the planet by the quickest method available), and happiness and exaltation for the girls who managed to succeed and excel through education. 
I have spent most of my life pretending to be Spock emotionally (DJ Spock image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category) but this film blasted through my defenses like a bullet train through a paper towel fence.
The overriding message is that educating girls in Third World countries is an extremely powerful tool for helping not only the girls themselves but the world in general. Educating girls will grossly benefit the countries GNP, cut down immensely on rape, human trafficking, death from childbirth, overpopulation, and reduce the spread of HIV and AIDS. This is all in addition to the massive personal benefit to the girls in question. It shows this presenting short vignettes about 9 different girls from 9 different countries. Some of them are stories of girls finding an education in spite of the cultural and economic issues facing them. These are the happy stories. Others are about girls who can’t get an education due (and in some cases it is illegal for them to do so) and the horrible things that happen or face them because of that. Each vignette is followed by very interesting statistics on how education can benefit these girls.
I was going to give a quick rundown on each of the girls but halfway through it decided one sentence descriptions does not do them the justice the deserve. I will just say it’s worth your time to see each one, even if some of them will have you clawing your own face off in frustration.
I am not going to bother with my usual stars/black holes rating system. I called this blog a review for lack of a more descriptive term but this film can’t be reviewed by normal means. It is not a traditional film. Is it powerful? Yes. Will you want to do something at the end of it? Yes. Will you feel good afterward? Depends on which story you want to focus on, but knowing that for every positive one there are probably thousands of negative ones probably not. Not all movies are about feeling good.
The part of this film that I had the hardest time was waiting for the denouement. As a patron of the Hollywood movie set I spent most of the movie waiting for Jason Stratham to break in with a sub machine gun and rescue each of them but you know what? That sort of hero doesn’t exist in real life. The actual heroes are regular people like you and me who take a stand and do what is within our means. I don’t usually do this sort of thing but I invite each one of you to visit Girl Rising, the website of the organization that put this film together, and do whatever you can to help. If you have money send money. If you don’t then try to watch the film or social media the crap out of them. Facebook, Twitter, whatever it is you kids are doing these days to get the word out. I am not much of a social activist and I hate this Jerry’s Kid’s style telethon BS intensely but if you saw this film you would understand why I now care (and if you know me you know how little I care about almost anything). Please do what you can.
I always say thanks for reading at the end of my blogs, but this time really thank you for reading. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this cause or movie can be put here and off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Thank you again.
Dave
Happy -210th Birthday, Captain Kirk
Yes, 210 glorious years from now the greatest military man in the history of the human race will be born, destined to make it with every hot alien chick in the universe. Soon the universe will enjoy his clipped manner of speech and amazing hair (suck it Captain Picard).
One can only wonder if the should rolls of the future will measure up those we are so familiar with.
Of course Captain, since your fate is now in the hands of J.J. Abrams and he has already shown your history the respect a drunken homeless person shows a public lavatory it could be that you end up somehow completely different. Maybe he thinks it will be fun to have you go bald, or catch space AIDS, or just get married and forgo your rakish ways. However, based on what I have seen so far it would not surprise me to see him give you some kind of “force” power and equip you with a laser sword (or saber) of some kind. Since he has already remade Star Trek into some kind of war in the stars movie nothing would shock me now.
The Kirk image here I got from the Star Trek T Shirt collection. Fingers crossed that Into the Darkness is not what I kind of expect it to be.
Dave
Dead Man Down Review
I’m down with this film.
I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. It has been a long, grueling trip through the first part of this year with most of the movies I have seen being only slightly preferable to spending a week in an oubliette. As my personal and professional life gets busier I don’t get to see all the movies I used to, which makes seeing three bad ones in a row that much more grinding. (Dead Man Walking image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category)
So when I saw that the first English movie for Swedish director Niels Arden Oplev (Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Swedish version), Worlds Apart, We Shall Overcome) was coming out I was intrigued in the same way a shipwreck victim in intrigued by a life vest. Yesterday was an ETC Warhammer practice day and afterwards I got two of my friends to check it out.
Well done, with a different kind of story. I love revenge stories. The Count of Monte Cristo is one of my favorite books, and I have a love of revenge movies that goes way back. V for Vendetta is awesome, and if you ever have the chance check out an old movie called Johnny Handsome. Mickey Roarke when he was still young. This movie reminded me a lot of Johnny Handsome, in that a guy works for years on his revenge plot. It is not flawless, and the main issue stems from the movie shifting gears in the last 20 minutes from an intricate crime drama into a Die Hard remake, but for the most part is pretty damned good.
I am going to go easy on the story recap as it has a lot of cool twists I don’t want to see you miss out on. Colin Farrell (Phone Booth, Total Recall, In Bruges) plays Victor, a mid level thug who works for Alphonse (Terrence Howard-Iron Man, Hustle and Flow, the Crash). Alphonse is the subject of a long term revenge plot by an unknown assailant for an unknown reason. Meanwhile Victor’s neighbor Beatrice (Noomi Rapace-the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Prometheus, Sherlock Holmes: a Game of Shadows) witnesses him killing a guy in his apartment and uses that information to blackmail him into killing the man who wrecked up her face (drunk driver).
Meanwhile another thug and friend to Victor (Dominic Cooper-Captain America, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, The Devil’s Double) is actually making progress on unraveling who the unknown assailant is. The plot unspools nicely with beautiful pacing and a clear character arc for both Victor and Beatrice. Unfortunately in my mind the very cool tragic ending the movie was gearing up for doesn’t quite manifest itself and the toward the end it takes a sharp left into Action Movie Junction.
The stars. I’m not really a Colin Farrell fan but really liked him here. Who knew he could do grim so well? He might have just won me over. One star. I also enjoyed Noomi Rapace a great deal. She plays the wounded dove very nicely. One star. I cool, complicated story that managed to reveal itself in a manner that didn’t drive me nuts or leave any loose threads. Two stars. The director didn’t feel the need to over explain everything and even left a few plot points hanging for your imagination to fill. It’s so nice when a director doesn’t operate on the assumption that we are all mouth breathing moronic losers. I see it as a sign of respect. One star. Pacing ran like a well oiled machine for the most part. Just the right amount of exposition interspersed with some decent action. One star. The action, while in some cases out of place, was well done and exciting without being ridiculous. One star. Generally a fun movie. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. That shift of gears to action felt really out of place. One black hole. I’m not going to lay this on Terrence Howard as I think he did a good job with the role, but the character of Alphonse felt kind of fake to me. He was at times comically stupid while at other times acting like he had read the script. I think a better job could have been done writing him. One black hole. Again, not going to throw in any spoilers but the ending that the movie was building up to and really deserved never manifested itself, leaving us with something that didn’t really match. One black hole. Three black holes total.
So a grand total of six stars. Definitely worth seeing, especially since we have been faced with nothing but garbage like A Good Day to Die Hard. Nothing on the screen really needs a theater, but if you want to join me in supporting decent films try to go see it. Otherwise NetFlix would work fine. Date movie? I’m going to say yes, in that this is a perfect comprise film. There is a love story that she will appreciate and enough crime and action to keep you entertained. Bathroom break? Not a lot you are going to want to miss. I’d say the scene right after Beatrice gets hit in the head with something doesn’t do more than support the romance part of the movie and could be missed without too much consequence, but hurry back as things ramp up pretty quick after that.
Thanks for reading. Plenty more to see out there so hopefully I can find some stuff to work on. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post comments on this film or my review at the bottom of this post. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Rise of the Guardians review
Fun but kind of soulless.
Yes, I’m back on the reviews and will try to keep up on them. Things on the commercial site are busier than ever and I’m kind of going nuts on it, but I think I finally have things back under control. By the way, if you didn’t read my last post about my friend burning his ass with a hot pocket I highly recommend it. I’m still laughing.
So, Rise of the Guardians. Honestly I think this movie is just a little too polished and perfect. 
It’s like if Data from the Next Generation were to write a kids movie script (Data image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category). He would reference every known source for kids movies, examine every film and treatise available, and ultimate come out with a script that had all the right elements and was technically perfect but ultimately lacking in heart and soul.
This movie was technically perfect. Classic kids references, some humor, and plenty of bright images to entertain the wee tots. However, while I sat in the theater doing my usual “creepy single guy at a childrens film” thing I noticed that a lot of the kids were not really laughing or enthralled in the film. A good kids film should entertain children while having enough adult jokes and references to keep the parents from falling asleep. Wreck it Ralph is a perfect example of this. Honestly I think this one landed too heavily on the adult side of things. The characters and plots were too complex, and the villain was honestly scary. I think the producers wanted to do something more like Coraline but managed to miss the adult wonder of it. This film felt more like it was written for teenagers than kids or adults, except I really doubt teenagers would go see it.
I really went to see this film because it has grossly underperformed in the box office for what a holiday kids film is supposed to do this time of the year and I wanted to see if it was a train wreck. I really think the failure to lock onto the real demographic for kids is the big problem. I also see this as an study of hubris. Calling any film “the Rise of” basically says “We the studio are going to spontaneously create a franchise and you mouth breathing unwashed masses will attach yourself to it because we say you will.” The title says the producers were so confident of this films success that they have already written the next four sequels, and I honestly believe that the one thing that unites the unwashed masses is a resistance to being told what to like. It’s subtle, but I think when at the box office most of the people on line do not want to get sucked into a franchise they know nothing about. Title failure IMO.
On the other hand, this film is one of the more visually stunning films I have seen. I liked that aspect because it really shows what good, well applied CGI is capable of. The images and art direction is great. I will also give massive props for the very creative re imagining of Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Sand Man, and the Easter Bunny. If this isn’t what the real classic character are like in a perfect world they would be. Santa is a brusk, Russian, sword wielding Czar, the Tooth Fairy a hyper type A fairy assisted by thousands of tiny mini fairies, the Sand Man a whimsical silent fat kind soul, and the Easter Bunny (my personal favorite) a 6’5″ Aussie jackrabbit with boomerangs. Jack Frost (the protagonist) is a white haired hipster prankster with the power of winter.
Of course, all great comic-like movies rest on the strength of the villain, and in this case they pulled it off with Pitch Black, the Boogieman. I say pulled it off because while he was perfectly executed he was entirely formulaic in his style, plan, and personality. This is really where the soullessness comes in. He is like the perfect villain grown in a medical lab, with just the right element of sinister yet weirdly appealing and human. I can’t put my finger on what it is about this film that seems too polished, but I think a lot of it resides in Pitch.
The story. Jack Frost is an independent sprite who wanders around causing kids to have fun in winter. He was created by the Man in the Moon, some kind of ill defined god or king. Jack gets drafted into the Guardians, a team of mythical fairy tale creatures who’s vague job is to protect the children of the world. Their relative strength resides in how many children believe in them (anyone ever read Hogfather by Terry Pratchet? If so this story will seem suspiciously familiar) and since no one really believes in Jack Frost he is the one with the least solidity. Pitch Black is bitter because no one believes in the Boogieman any more and so sets on a course of taking over the Sand Mans dreams to instil nightmares into the children while at the same time convincing the kids that the others don’t exist, thus draining their power (this was a little vague, by the way. At the beginning of the film no one believed in Jack Frost yet he had all kinds of winter related super power, but as the others lost believers they all were drained or diminished. Also the loss of belief happened with all the gradual pacing of flipping off a light switch).
Anyway, at that point it is the classic struggle of good verses evil. We get to see some great visuals (I especially liked the Easter Bunny’s kingdom) and Pitch does what villains usually do. I don’t want to give away any spoilers, but really there is nothing in here that would really surprise you.
With kids movies I don’t do the stars/black holes. I usually judge them by how well the kids in the audience seemed to be responding. By that basis I think I’m going to have to deem this film not so great. Kids were not laughing or going nuts. There were long stretches of dialog and expository flashbacks that I think a kid would find downright boring. Pitch Black was honestly scary (the film got a well deserved PG rating) and there was even one death (sort of) scene. I honestly think this film tried way to hard to appeal to everyone and ultimately didn’t really appeal to anyone. Jack Frost was in there to appeal to the teenage girls (geez, they even got Chris Pine to do the voice), there were cute walking Easter Eggs for the little kids, and a fairly complex story involving torturing kids in their dreams for the adults. Trying too hard IMO.
Worth seeing? If you like animated movies then sure. The visuals alone make it worth the time. However, if you are only going to see one animated film this season I think Wreck It Ralph is way better. Take your kids to see it? Sure, if you are desperate, but I think Ralph again is better. Date movie? Yes. Not as good as Ralph, but good nonetheless. Bathroom break? Weirdly enough this is one film where I think the action scenes are the more disposable. The best visuals and character development are in the non action films, and when the fighting starts it tends to get kind of muddied up.
Thanks for reading, and look for my Life of Pi review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review of it feel free to post them here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions email them to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II Review
Something broke in that theater. I think it was my brain.
Do you know why so many hapless red shirts died in the original Star Trek series (I swear I have a point and am not just finding excuses to talk about Star Trek in my Twilight review)? It’s because whenever a character, even a minor one, dies it indicates that the story and situation are extremely serious. It’s a way of drawing you into the story and actually caring about what happens. The old news phrase “If it bleeds, it leads” can be rewritten for fiction into “If no one dies, no one cares” (Dead Man Walking image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirts).
The point is the entire Twilight series has been about as willing to let any character of any worth die as any hot girl is willing to go on a second date with me (by that I mean extremely unlikely, to any new readers out there). This seems to have been true in all the movies, but never so much as in this one. By the end of the movie I was expecting to see all the sets wrapped in bubble wrap and corner protectors like a house baby proofed by the most anal and overprotective parent in history. Stephanie Meyer seems to treat these characters like spawn of her own loins in every sense of the term.
I’m about to get extremely free with the spoilers, so if you are some kind of freak who plans on seeing this movie without having read the books for any purpose other than to write a bitter and acerbic review you should probably just skip to the end where I beg you to follow me on Twitter.
The part that really crushed me was towards the end. You see, the entire series has been building up towards a huge epic battle between the vampires, werewolves, and some other vampires called the Vulturi. After literally hours of teasing the crap out of it they finally throw down and I have to say it was pretty freaking cool. For the first time in the entire series I felt pulled in and actually excited. Vampires and werewolves were dying in big batches, including some of the main characters (which kind of made sense as this is the last episode). Super powerful vampires were being foiled by other vampires and vamps that had been more or less jerks for the entirety of the series were getting their long deserved comeuppance. For the first time ever I started to doubt my conviction that the Twilight series was the McRib of the film industry.
Then, in the biggest blue ball inducing cop out in the history of movie making the entire bloody mayhem scene turns out to be some kind of induced vision brought on by the future seeing vampire (that was the big spoiler, by the way. Sorry if you didn’t take my advice a few lines ago and skip to the end). Absolutely nothing gets even remotely interesting, and they pull an ending so painfully happy and cheesy that it would embarrass an episode of My Little Pony (no, I am not a Brony). I didn’t think a writer had depths deep enough in his (or in this case her) ass to pull this ending out of. Nothing is resolved, nothing really changes, and everyone wanders off to a blissfully happy immortal life while all the interest and tension they managed to actually build drained out like a water balloon hit with a shotgun blast.
I am going to join all the other reviewers in a lemming-like chant of saying that this is the best of the series, but that is like having to swim in three different pools of raw sewage and Hep C before finally finding a pool only filled with pond scum, dead rats, and tuberculosis. It is the Revenge of the Sith of the Twilight series, but like that episode it is still part of that horrible family of films.
Before I get into the story, I want to rail a bit on a few things that really bugged me in this film. First of all, for a movie that had a $120,000,000 budget the CGI wolves still look like stickers taken from a nature book and stuck into a children’s coloring book. I thought we had progressed beyond bad CGI. However, as bad as the wolves looked the were like a nature documentary compared to the CGI baby Renesmee (still the stupidest name for a baby ever). It literally looked like a Cabbage Patch Kid.
As bad as the baby looked, it still was more human and lifelike than Animatronic robots they got to play the main characters. Kristin Stewert overwhelms every scene with a massive tsunami of mundanity and wooden facial expressions. I would have taken even stupider looking babies and wolves if they could have CGI’d some acting into her performance. Talk about overrated. Robert Pattinson was not much better, but he was better and therefore his bland performance was totally eclipsed by Kristin’s.
I suppose at some point I should get into what passes for a story here. It is actually the best part of the series and the most linear and non aggravating one to date (mainly because it skips on the whole Bella/Edward/Jacob bland love triangle and focuses on something even slightly interesting). The story picks up almost to the second where the last one ended. This is a good thing, as the first movie was nothing but padding to milk more money from brain damaged teenaged girls (and bitter movie reviewers). Bella is now a vamp, and has to learn to control her yearnings which she does with remarkable ease. She and Edward are supposedly deeply in love, although their sexual chemistry has all the passion of an amoeba reproducing through binary fission. Their child Renesmee (even typing it hurts my eyes. When I finally conquer the planet any of you who thought this is the perfect name for your child will be relocated to slave camps at the bottom of the ocean) is growing up at 7 times normal rate. Jacob has imprinted with her as an infant (nothing creepy to see here folks. Keep moving on) and acts as her protector, which is pretty good since Bella and Edward seem totally content to ignore her for the most part. She is growing up fast and in no time is the exact age of the child actress they hired to play her (Mackenzie Foy).
She is spotted by some other vampire everyone else seemed to recognize but I couldn’t pick out of a lineup to save my life (the film was kind of overrun with hot blond girl vampires). She runs to the Vulturi where it turns out one of the biggest laws they have for their culture of people who eat people is never turn a child into a vampire (if this is their biggest law why is it we never hear about it before now? I hate it when writers make stuff up to facilitate the story and then act like you are stupid for not knowing it all along). The head guy (looks like a younger, heavier Alice Cooper) has some trick where he attacks a vampire family, kills them all off but one, and then recruits that one into his secret vampire army (? Anyone else have an issue with the idea of recruiting someone by murdering all their friends and loved ones?). He wants Alice, the future seeing vampire. Edward and his brood run around trying to recruit vampires from across the world to act as witnesses and red shirts for the upcoming epic battle. Battle is joined, and then not as it all turns out to be one of Alice’s vision.
The stars. I want to give this one a star for an actual coherent story, but honestly it is only good in comparison to the other three. I guess I can afford to be generous due to the broken firehose of black holes I am about to spew all over it. One star. The fake action scene was actually really good up until the part where it was proven fake. One star. The annoying romance got way less annoying once Jacob stopped mooning (haw!) over Bella. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Creating a really cool and bloody action scene with lots of great death scenes of characters who well deserve it only to make the whole thing into a fake. Two black holes. I’m not even exaggerating when I say I’ve seen the Muppets deliver better acting and more believable characters than Bella and Edward. At least their facial expressions change when they are supposed to be sad, scared, or happy. Two black holes. A million billion minor characters pulled out of no where that we are supposed to give a crap about (If she were fourteen I would swear that Stephanie Meyer is one of those RPG players who loves nothing more than rolling up hundreds of characters and then creating backstories for them). One black hole. If you haven’t seen the whole series you will be lost at sea without a paddle on this one. One black hole. CGI that is an insult to the industry. One black hole. I know I hit them with this every movie but it remains a thing: vampires who glow in daylight. One black hole. The vampires we are supposed to have sympathy for lose a lot when they are slaughtering people who are begging for their lives. One black hole. A big giant Amber Alert for the whole Jacob/Renesmee romance. One black hole. At no time in this movie (or the entire series, for that matter) does the movie subject matter at all have anything to do with twilight, dawn breaking, new moons, or eclipsing of any kind. One black hole. A happy ending that even the Disney writers would figure as too campy to be taken seriously. One black hole. Total: twelve black holes.
A grand total of nine black holes. Should you see it? If you are a mewling teenage girl who wants to see Taylor Lautner with his shirt off than sure, why not? Honestly, it boils down to fandom or not. If you have seen them all, read all the books, and have the entire Twilight cast tattooed on your back then by all means go for it. I’m sure you will enjoy it in the same way fans of Nascar enjoy watching cars go around and around a track. If you have not seen the whole series then believe me when I say this film will be a massive waste of time and money for you. Date movie? If your date is a huge fan you will score some good points by being willing to see it, but be warned as I would bet she will want to subject you to the entire series beforehand and that is a torture not to be borne. Also, there is a pretty good chance your date is an insane psychopath. Bathroom break? It’s one big 115 minute bathroom break as far as I’m concerned. However, if you want to find a scene that is more worthless than the rest of them (and that is a deep pit to be reaching into) I’d say any of the Bella/Edward “romance” scenes. It’s nothing you haven’t seen done as mediocrely in the other films and adds el zilcho to the story.
Thanks for reading. Looks like a painful week for your humble reviewer, as I have nothing to do for Thanksgiving except watch Red Dawn. I expect this movie to be the zenith of unnecessary, crappy remakes and could actually cause the long anticipated Movie Apocalypse. Please follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have any comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Any off topic suggestions or questions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Hate mail from fan boys (or girls) will be completely disregarded, so if you want to tell me what kind of idiot I am best to do it here. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, and I will talk to you soon.
Dave
Some thoughts on Star Trek TOS women.
With a bonus note on grammar.
So as I mentioned recently I am watching all the Star Trek TOS episodes while working on my new Warhammer army and am enjoying the hell out of it. Not only am I seeing all my old favorites, but I am also getting to catch up on a few that I only saw maybe once or twice, and even a couple that to my deep shame I have never seen (having only watched them in syndication there were a few that really never go aired much). I am rethinking some of the relative positions for my best and worst episodes (not a lot of shift, but some) but the one thought that is hitting my brain stem more than any other is the Star Trek producers hired only the most gorgeous women in the known universe.
I’m not kidding. It really struck home last night when I was watching Requiem for Methuselah (image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category)and realized that the girl playing Reyna (Louise Sorel) was about 50 times hotter than any women ever seen on any TNG episode, and comparable to Seven of Nine from Voyager (Jeri Ryan). However, she is not alone. Pretty much every episode has a girl so hot it makes your skull hurt. I don’t want to name any here because I think once I am done I will do a list of the 20 hottest girls from the series as a separate blog post (nothing creepy about that). Some of the episodes focused almost exclusively on how hot they were (Mudd’s Women, for example).
This begats the question why can’t modern shows do the same thing? There are some obvious answers. If a show clearly exploited women like TOS did than it would probably be protested by every feminist organization on the planet and then carpet bombed. TNG not only swallowed the PC pill but let it brew into an even more potent mixture in its stomach before spewing it out over every other Star Trek series. However, let’s consider shows outside of the Trek universe.
The modern show that pops into mind for hot eye candy is How I Met Your Mother. Every week Barney hooks up with 2-6 hot girls. If we flash back a bit Married With Children did the same by finding an excuse to have a hot chick walk into Al’s shoe shop or something. However, I would like to point out that while Star Trek clearly was bringing in women to hang on Kirks arm and fall in love with him, in every case they got more than a few lines and were never just bit characters. In most episodes they were critical to the story and not just there to make Kirk look good.
That’s not really the mystery here. The mystery is why is it all the women on Star Trek are way hotter than all the women on How I Met Your Mother (even Robin. Sorry, Cobie Smulders. I still love you). Honestly, I think it’s the presentation. The women on Star Trek (and 60’s TV in general) were presented as sophisticated, elegant goddesses whereas modern women have taken to letting casual be the rule of the day. I’m not saying women don’t spend a lot of time on their looks because they absolutely do. I’m just saying that all the women today want to look naturally hot, which mentally translates into looking like you put no effort in. The average hairdo on a Star Trek babe looks like it took two hours and a vat of hair cream to accomplish, whereas today those same two hours is spent looking like you didn’t have to do anything at all. Furthermore, you never see a Star Trek women wearing jeans. The dress a Star Trek girl wears is one that a modern woman would bitch about having to put on for a formal ball. They just look more put together.
A side effect of looking like you took a lot of time putting your coif and outfit together is you end up looking more like a lady. Not to imply anything, but the women of Star Trek just look a lot more wholesome than the women of the modern TV age. Somehow Elaan (France Nuyen) from Elaan of Troyios looks more ladylike in a metal bikini armed with a dagger than all the women of Sex and the City put together. This might be the most sexist thing I have ever said, but what passes for ladylike dress and behavior in the modern world just isn’t as attractive as what you used to see in the time of Americana.
Congratulations Dave. You have successfully given every woman you meet another reason to reject and despise you. However, given my typical luck with the ladies I don’t really think I could do much more damage. At least if I get rejected by a girl and she says it’s because of this blog post I will have a definitive reason, rather than the horrible vague B-S I get on a regular basis. Besides, don’t all women say they want honesty in a man?
Before I get going I want to mention something about grammar. I have been called to account a few times for being a grammar moron. I typically can write well but seem to screw up on things like “then” or “than”, as well possessive s’s (is it Boy’s t shirts or Boys t shirts???). I do proofread these before posting them but seem to have a blind eye for certain spelling and grammar mistakes. I go back and read old blog posts of mine (yes, my ego is that big. Besides, why would you not read something this brilliant?) and catch things that seem super obvious but at the time I missed twice. I don’t quite get it. If you should spot an error feel free to point it out and I will fix it. Just try to understand that I’m not a total moron and usually I just miss things that on a different day would stick out like a sore thumb. If you are interested in catching me (or just improving your own grammar) I found a pretty handy and succinct resource in this article on correct grammar usage in the modern age. I like it because it is simple and has some cartoons.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to disagree all you want here or hate spam me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (follow me first, please). Any off topic questions or suggestions email me at [email protected]. My friend Brian is going to show us Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park at movie night. I don’t think I will be doing a formal review but already have a few ideas on blogs I could do about it. I’m headed to the Sacramento Horror Convention this weekend but if I get a chance will try to see a movie and write it up. If you live in Sac stop by and say hi. Talk to you soon.
Dave
More reasons why Episode 57 The Enterprise Incident belongs in my top 10 Worst Star Trek episodes list.
Back in November I did my Top 10 Worst TOS episodes list to complement my 10 Best list. I received a number of comments with people either agreeing or disagreeing, which as a Star Trek fan I am always glad to see and debate. My number 4 was the Enterprise Incident and to my surprise I had one reader take issue with that.
To be fair to the reader he wasn’t so much endorsing the Enterprise Incident as questioning why I would list the Alternative Factor as a better episode. At the time I had mentioned my liking of Lazarus and anti-Lazarus fighting forever in the corridor between universes.
I have been watching the whole series over again while working on a new Warhammer army (and if any of you are Warhammer players you can expect to see it at the Alamo GT in Nov.). When I watched the Alternative Factor I realized that the reader who commented on it had some very valid points. It really was full of massive plot holes and dumb science. However, last night I watched the Enterprise Incident and that has firmly cemented it’s position in my list.
At this point I am ready to forgive the episode for the Romulans all speaking perfect English since, as another reader pointed out, pretty much every race in Star Trek speaks flawless English (even though Spock comments on how unusual it is for the aliens to speak English in Bread and Circuses). My original point about crew members of the Romulan star ship not recognizing a fellow shipmate still stands. The thing is after watching it again I have a ton of new reasons why this episodes sucks.
First of all, I’m going to give massive hell to the props department for being to lazy or cheap to make up two more Romulan Bird of Prey models, forcing them to use the Klingon ships they happened to have lying around. The excuse they gave was cursory at best, and just made them look dumb. Also as a kid I had a Romulan ship model that I liked a lot.
Second, Kirks plan was to get surrounded and captured by the Romulans??? Wasn’t it established in Balance of Terror that no contact had ever been established directly with the Romulans and then later in the Deadly Years that Romulans never take prisoners? What if the Romulan commander had opted to just obliterate the Enterprise and then sift through the wreckage for anything useful? If a ship came into my territory in a suicidal manner I would have to assume they had some massive technological advantage and nuke it at range. Also what is the deal with the Romulan commander offering amnesty for the crew as they were simply following Kirk’s orders? Doesn’t sound much like Romulans to me.
Third, Kirk has Spock induce a death-like trance so good it fools the Romulan doctors. They send his body back to the Enterprise. If you follow the history of Romulan/Federation contacts this really is the first time humans and Romulans have met face to face. What if the Romulan commander had opted to put Kirks body through a thorough post mortem in hopes of learning some natural weakness and sent his remains back to the Enterprise in a bucket? Sounds like what they would do, and is definitely what I would do in their place.
Vulcan death grip??? How dumb do you have to be to fall for that?
Finally, Kirk manages to bluff and karate chop his way to the cloaking device. He steals it and transports back to the Enterprise (by the way, don’t transporters have a hard time going through active deflector shields? Hasn’t that been established in like 100,000 episodes?). Kirk gives Scotty 15 minutes to hook it up to the ship to get them out of there. The Romulan commander finds out almost immediately and does…nothing? What if she had called the Enterprise and said something like “You have stolen our cloaking device. I will give you 30 seconds to transport it back to our ship. For every second you are late, I will kill you. Oh, by the way I’m going to execute Spock too.” That’s 15 minutes of waiting for the Enterprise to escape. Also, Kirk was betting a lot on Scotty being able to hook it up to the ship. What if the Romulans were using DC and all the Enterprise outlets were AC? Also, at the start of this fiasco he didn’t know that the Romulans didn’t have a way of defeating their own cloak. Not exactly a calculated risk
Oh, yeah. They also manage to transport Spock back on board at the last second (deflector shields again).
Oh, well. Even a bad Star Trek episode is better than watching the Kardashians bimbo their way across LA. The Romulan logo shirt is from the Star Trek t-shirt category by the way.
Thanks for reading. I saw Cold Light of Day yesterday and should have written it up today, but that movie has caused an advanced state of apathy in me. I’ll write it up tomorrow. Also I’m kind of fired up about Star Trek right now. I’m grinding through the horrible 3rd season and feel the need for an outlet and you, my beloved readers, are it. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (act now to be my 167th follower!). If you have a comment on this episode or my issues with it feel free to post here. Any off topic questions or suggests email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Happy Birthday Star Trek!
I keep hearing different dates for the first showing of Star Trek (it was actually the Man Trap, but I don’t have an image for that one. The Cage was the pilot. This image comes courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category). Wikipedia says it was Sept. 8th, but George Takei says it was on the 7th. Regardless of the exact date, 46 years ago a series started that would go on to be a major influence in my life (as well as many others), not only as a young person but even here today. I can honestly say I would not be the person I am without Star Trek.
Honestly, that’s pretty much I I have to say. Regular readers will have heard me gush about TOS before, and write up assorted lists of things I consider important from the series. It might have not been the best written, best acted, or best produced show in TV history, but I honestly challenge you to find one that has had more influence on modern TV, movies, culture, or even technology.
So I will leave you with the most sincere and uplifting salutation available to nerds: to all of you out there, live long and prosper.
Amazing Dave
Some thoughts on the City on the Edge of Forever
I have been watching all the old TOS episodes while working on a new Warhammer army and the other night had the privilege of watching this one again. I have been rather put upon by this experience in seeing old episodes that I thought were at least OK and realizing with my more mature eye and a couple years of movie critic work that some of them aren’t quite as awesome as I remember them to be.
This one, however, is every bit as amazing as it was the first time I saw it and then some. I made this my number 6 on my top 10 best TOS episode list and honestly after seeing it again would bump it up a few slots. The story itself is wonderfully inventive and complex, but more importantly it is one of the greatest episodes for delving into Kirks mind and sense of duty. He has to make one of the worst decisions ever but does what his duty requires rather than what his heart wants.
I read a while ago that there is a theory in the Trek universe that the reason Kirk is such a man whore in all the remaining episodes is his one true love will always be Edith Keeler. While watching this episode I payed particular attention to his actions and I would have to say I agree. This is one of the few times he uses the L word and really seems to mean it. However, I have my doubts that the writers of the series really put that much thought or planning into it. That being said I note that Kirk manages to avoid romantic entanglements with alien women for 16 full episodes until the Gamemasters of Triskelion, so maybe there is some merit to that theory. I would like to think so.
The thing that struck me the hardest while rewatching the City was how absolutely stunning Joan Crawford was as Edith Keeler. I have never been a big fan of hers, but seeing her with her sophisticated accent makes me want to find a time portal back to 1967 to meet her. Star Trek never hesitated to hire the hottest women in this or the next universe, and they really struck gold with this casting. I remember liking her as a kid, but now as an adult I am totally captivated.
The City on the Edge of Forever is understandably one of the most critically acclaimed episodes, and won the Hugo for Best Dramatic Presentation in 1968. The story was originally written by Harlan Ellison, a science fiction writer who bitched heavily about the major rewrites that happened to his story. Apparently he originally had some kind of drug ring on board the Enterprise causing madness which Roddenberry wisely refused. However, he got the writing credit and in 2009 sued for royalties from the episode, which sounds a lot like having your cake and wanting to eat it too. A settlement of some kind was reached.
Anyway, if you are new to Star Trek and think a few of the first episodes are kind of dumb I think it OK to skip ahead to this one and have your concept of space drama re-imagined. The image I got from the Star Trek T-Shirt category. It was one of the most popular sellers at the recent Star Trek Convention with good reason.
Warhammer this weekend, so I don’t know if I will see a lot. There is a new Jet Li movie I am excited about so maybe I will find the time for that. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post any thoughts on this episode here. If you have off topic questions or comments feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Amazing Dave
Maybe the Alternative Factor was a lot worse than I remember it being.
Back in November when I did my 10 Worst Star Trek TOS Episode list I included my list of bad ones. One of the episodes that slipped my grasp was the Alternative Factor. One reader commented and called me out on it. At the time I said I had a liking for Lazarus and anti-Lazarus fighting for eternity between universes. However, I have been rewatching the TOS episodes and last night got up to the Alternative Factor and have had to reconsider my position on this one.
Basically this episode is the first to have Season 3 sized plot holes but was barely into Season 1. The science was about as dumb as possible. If anti-Lazarus was made of antimatter wouldn’t he be annihilated as soon as he came into contact with matter from our world? The matter humans are comprised of changes every minute. If anti-Lazarus ate or drank something what happened when he went home? Wouldn’t his stomach contacts destroy the universe? Is it only the exact molecules that destroy each other? How does that make sense?
So Lazarus is a crazed madman who has already expressed a desire for critical components of the Enterprise’s warp drive. Why didn’t Kirk just throw him in the brig, or at least put a guard on him? Instead a complete stranger has free run of the ship, and gets to hang out in the rec room listening to crew members discuss dilithium crystals. Had Lazarus been under observation the crew might have noticed how he kept phasing in and out of reality every time the universe went on it’s freaky binge. Given that knowledge I think Kirk would have not been remiss dropping him into the nearest black hole.
Why, exactly, did anti-Lazarus have to fight Lazarus in the corridor between universes forever? You can’t tell me it’s because of the balance of atoms or something like that. One of them had a bandage that the other did not, so there is no way the atom count was accurate. Why couldn’t Kirk have just executed Lazarus (the crazy one) or rendered him unconscious, tied him up, and tossed him into the little ship? Anti-Lazarus could have just hung out on the other side and blown up his own ship, then went home to market his own line of facial hair products.
Speaking of just knocking Lazarus out, at one point Kirk and Lazarus struggle as Kirk tries to pitch Lazarus into the gateway. That’s all fine and well, but Mr. Spock and two red shirts just stand there fully armed watching. What if Lazarus had been secretly trained in martial arts and tossed Kirk in the door again, or just gotten lucky and gouged out one of Kirks eyes? Spock could have nerve pinched him out, cuffed him, and tossed him into the corridor. Also Kirk takes his sweet ass time nuking the ship from orbit. At any second Lazarus or anti-Lazarus (or both) could have come rolling out of the gate and destroyed the universe.
I don’t know. Is it worse than the Enemy Within, my number 10 worst episode? I guess not. The science is not as horrible, and at least they tried to address some interesting ideas beyond the duality of man. However, Kirk did not get to demonstrate his range of acting ability as he did in the Enemy, so from a cinematographic point of view maybe.
One thing is for sure. This episode would have to murder a bus full of orphans and nuns to be considered worse than Spock’s Brain, so as bad as it or any of the other ones are at least it has that going for it. (Spock’s Brain image courtesy of the Star Trek T-Shirt category)
Today is cheap movie night, so I will try to see Hit and Run tonight. It’s the new pretty boy Bradley Cooper movie, but apparently it was done semi-independently so I am curious to see what comes of it. Look for the review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have any thoughts or comments on this post feel free to make them here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thanks for reading, and have a great day!
Dave
