The Identical Review
That is, a review of the movie the Identical. Not a direct copy of one of my other reviews.
This may come as something of a shock to you, my gentle readers, but I am apparently not the only person in the world who goes to movies and then writes his or her opinion on whether the movie is good or bad. Lord knows it was a shock to me. It even appears that some of them have somehow scammed newspapers and other media sources into actually paying them money for the service (I’m really at a loss as to how that happens. I can only assume some kind of grift so complex and convoluted that it makes a Ponzi scheme look like a shell game with only one cup). However, do not worry for me as imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and it appears I am being flattered by every paper and web site in the country.
Rather than rail against the injustice of it all I have learned to use all of these lesser reviewers as sort of a bird dog, pointing out easy prey for me to go after (or, more appropriately, like a canary in a mine warning me of fatal fumes by passing out and dying) and when I see a Rotten Tomatoes score of 4% it’s like Commission Gorden lighting up the Batsignal, causing me to change into my super hero reviewer costume (Dickies shirt, jeans, and a “don’t sit next to me” scowl that goes over extremely well in kids animated films and romances) and dash off in my Batmobile (i.e. my silver Crown Vic) to the local theater (I mean crime scene).
So I was really, really hoping for a movie that was so bad it was good. However, this film is a double failure in that it is only just really bad. It is not The Room bad. It is not Plan 9 From Outer Space. It is not even Ice Pirates bad. I’d put it on the badness level of the Warriors Way, a film that started out with some cool ideas and a decent cast but fell on it’s own sword from lack of resources (the main one being decent writers). It has zero originality, zero actual conflict, and a story that looks like it was written by someone who was locked in a room with copies of Great Balls of Fire, Dead Ringers, and a worn out biography of Elvis.
