The Lucky One Review
Count yourself lucky if your girlfriend doesn’t drag you to see this uber chick flick.
Somehow I feel weirder going to see movies like this by myself than I do seeing obvious kids movies such as Winnie the Pooh. It is a bit of a puzzlement for me. I think the reason really has to do with the fact that I can almost feel my testicles shriveling up during the course of the film, whereas with kids films I can feel some level of nostalgia easing me through.
So this is a chick flick in the truest sense of the term. Don’t be fooled by the Iraq war action that goes on at the beginning. It is brief and non graphic as possible. You know how action films will crowbar in some romance to make it at least somewhat palatable to the girls in the audience? The “action” here feels like a reversal of that concept in an attempt to get guys to not pass out during the film.
But is it a good chick flick or a bad one? Kind of? It is as cliche and formulaic as possible, with the only deviation from the typical bad story happening at the end when they opted to go for an even more cheesy and pat denouement. I think the best descriptive for this movie is grinding. It grinds it’s way through the plot and each cliche in turn like one of those industrial rock crushing conveyer belt machines, turning each large, weighty cliche into smaller and much more functional cliches in turn. Long, romantic interludes drag on until you want to watch a more interesting movie on your iPhone while watching this one, and the pacing consistently is reminiscent of waiting at the DMV to get your license renewed.
The other thing that is glaringly missing from this film is chemistry. Zac Efron is a pretty boy, and probably is the heart throb of any number of women out there, but to my perception if he was supposed to be delivering smouldering looks he should have checked to make sure someone had lit his pilot light first. In fact, none of the characters actually read like real people. They all seemed like caricatures of other, better developed characters: the sexy ex Marine who is in all ways is perfect (as described by women); the cartoonish small town sheriff/abusive ex husband; the single mom trying struggling to make it in the world; the precocious kid; 
the fat Southern politician (Dukes of Hazard style. Dukes of Hazard image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirts); the worldly wise grandmother. Each of them comes across so locked into their role that in spite of this movie being like 80% character development none of them seem to go anywhere.
Anyway, the movie. Zac Efron (all the High School Musicals plus epicly bad film New Years Eve) plays Logan, a Marine who while on a mission in Iraq finds a picture of a hot girl right before all his friends get blown up. This picture apparently keeps him safe (or something) and when he gets back he decides to try to find the girl. After dealing with some PTSD issues (that are never mentioned again) he decides to find her. She is in Louisiana and the best way for him to get there is to walk from Colorado (seriously, to any women readers out there are you not in the least offended by the blatant pandering that this movie is doing for you?) with his dog Zues (Zues and Logan? Come on. These names put my old friend Studly McSuperpenis to shame). The girl Beth (Taylor Schilling-Dark Matter, Atlas Shrugged Part I (ha ha ha ha ha), Mercy) lives there with her mother and son. Her brother died in Iraq. He arrives at her family owned dog hotel where he opts to not tell her about the picture because…actually there is no reason other than the need to later create plot drama. Seriously, I really doubt she would have had an issue with him returning a lost heirloom of her brother (that’s who’s picture it was) and it might have actually endeared him to her more.
Instead, he makes the stalker move of taking a job at the dog hotel. She runs it with the her mother (Blythe Danner-Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers, Howl’s Moving Castle) and her eight year old son Ben (Riley Thomas Steward-the Beaver, Straight A’s, A Christmas Wedding Tail) who is some kind of chess prodigy. At first she is standoffish because…well I guess the movie directors must have needed more conflict than the whole “not tell about the picture” thing. In time she naturally does what all women most do around Zac Effron looking guys (God I hate them all) and falls in love. Meanwhile her ex husband Keith (Jay R. Ferguson-Mad Men, the Killer Inside Me, Campfire Tales) rips off every bad Southern small town sheriff stereotype as an experiment to see if people would love Roscoe P Coltrane if instead of being a bumbling goof he were an abusive jerk (with his father the town judge being Boss Hogg).
I’d like to say stuff ensues, but really not a lot does and what does happen progresses about as predictable as the tides. I won’t ruin the ending completely but will say that true love triumphs as always (at least when you look like Zac Effon. Rot in Hell).
The stars. I will give credit for this film doing what it set out to do. It was built to be a chick flick, and if you are a chick who doesn’t want to think too hard while feeling good this film we succeed in all regards. Two stars. There are a lot of really cool dogs in the movie, especially Logan’s German Sheppard. One star. Taylor Schilling is not super hot, but manages to come across as kind of a natural beauty that worked for me. Also, of all the characters hers was the least unbelievable. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Most of the characters were so over the top that they felt like those giant inflatable balloons they make for Snoopy and Spider Man at the Macy’s Day Parade. Two black holes. Hamhanded attempts at creating conflict out of nothing in order to keep the audience from falling asleep. One black hole. Sluggish pacing. One black hole. An ending at complete odds with the entire rest of the film as well as coming from deep within the writers ass. One black hole. Blatant use of the weather to deliver an emotional point. Happy times? Sunny. Conflict and bad times? Rainy. One black hole. The situation Beth was in with her ex husband felt really fake and archaic. Was this film supposed to be set in the 50’s? One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
A grand total of three black holes. Should you go see this one? If you have any testosterone and self respect at all than hell no. Date movie? Hell yes. This film was created to be the perfect date movie. If she isn’t in the mood to sleep with you (or Zac Effron) by the end of this show you should find a way to discretely check to see that she wasn’t born a man, or perhaps some kind of doppelganger alien. If she has a brain and any kind of film knowledge or taste than she will be offended by the rampant use of romance cliches, but they are cliches because they work.
Thanks for reading. Looks like all chick flicks this weekend. I guess I will suck it up and go see Think Like a Man tomorrow, although I like to believe I already know how (maybe I’m fooling myself). Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Post any comments about this movie or my review here. If you have a specific question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
