Nerd Dating: Making “the Move” part 2: How to Kiss
OK, we are on final approach to Makeout International Airport, but we need to make sure you aren’t going to completely repulse your date with your heinous kissing technique. What you see in movies and TV is not really what you need to do. Like anything else, this requires some research and practice to be not bad.
This is a bit of a tender subject for me, as I didn’t kiss my first girl until a later age. I don’t want to get into the specifics, as they are terribly embarrassing, but let’s just say I was no longer a teenager (may my high school and everyone who ever attended it burn on the 7th level of Hell). It is also a little awkward as the first girl I ever kissed took that opportunity to check to see if my tonsils had been removed with her tongue, and I assumed for years that this was the technique to use on all women. Tragically, this was not the case.
I will get into specific instructions tomorrow, and will actually be referencing some sites to help me, as I don’t consider myself an expert on this at all. For homework I would recommend you all start by checking out a site like this one on how to kiss. Seems like good info, and if you all read that I can save time on specific stuff and stick to the funny. For today I will talk about signs the girl can give you that you have either mistimed your kiss, misjudged her interest in you, or just have some painfully bad breath (by the way, like we discussed months ago, make sure your breath smells good. Mints are not a bad way to go). I am doing this both because I think it relevant and because talking about it is hilarious.
1. She turns and gives you the cheek. This is pretty much the sign that she was planning on giving you the let’s-be-friends speech and was just waiting for the moment to cause you maximum pain. On the one hand, it sucks. On the other hand, you just saved yourself some pain sometime in the future.
2. She kisses you, but does everything possible to keep from 
touching any other part of your body. Girls can do this weird Twister-like maneuver that allows them to kiss you while somehow not in contact with any other part of your body. Maybe it’s all the yoga. If she looks like she is trying to stick her lips through a knot hole in a fence or maybe like poor Flick from this Christmas Story t-shirt than you should probably get the clue. Odds are she isn’t really sure about you but was leaning towards a no. Sorry.
3. She starts kissing you but then pushes away. This is a pretty good sign that your breath stinks (shouldn’t have ordered extra onions) or you have god-awful kissing technique. We will talk more about this but odds are you went too far too fast with her. Practice more.
4. She shoots mace or pepper spray into your eyes. Yeah. Are you sure this is the girl you had dinner with and not the coat check girl? If she is your date you should go home and review your thought process on the entire date. It would appear you seriously need to re-evaluate your ability to properly interpret statements like “I really don’t find you at all attractive and want to pay my half in order to not feel in any way obligated to you.” In fact, I would consider examining all your human interactions. Odds are you misinterpret things from people all the time. It might actually be better if you didn’t reproduce, so consider a career in lighthouse keeping.
That’s it for now. Yesterday’s vs question was Skynet vs JLA sans Superman. The consensus seems to be what without Superman the JLA should be riding the short bus and that Skynet would kick the crap out of them. Personally I like to think that Batman would do something, and Green Lantern is pretty cool, but I think Skynet would be a real issue for them. I would have to vote for Skynet.
Here is today’s question: Who would win, Harry Potter or Gandalf?
